She says:

Sometimes I wish that life was as beautiful as it seems in the movies. Even when it's sad, I love the idea of everything being so perfectly beautiful. Life is just messy in reality. Nothing is ever as it initially seems, and nothing is ever clean-cut and clear. And very little has that cinematic beauty. And nothing is perfect. Intellectually, I know this to be fact, and yet some nights, when the darkness is swallowing me up and suffocating me, I can't help but wish for movie beauty in my own life. I have a problem with depression. Always have. And some days it's worse than others. I've been in a string of less than perfect days, and it's wearing on me. And I'm taking my frustation and anger out on Bil because I really don't know how else to deal with it. And it doesn't help that I really don't like leaving the house, and he keeps trying to make me. I feel terrible about it, which just increases my initial problem, and so I'm even crabbier, and then I feel even worse, and so I get more frustrated with myself and so I snap at Bil and then I feel really awful and...... you get the idea. I wish I could get some sort of professional verification of this, someone with impressive certificates on the office wall who will tell me that it's just depression and that I'm not crazy, and that it can be fixed. I really want to be fixed. I know it's not really how it works. That I'm not some vase that has shattered and can be re-glued a little worse for the wear, but whole. God, I wish that was the case, though. Anyone have soul glue?

I just feel crappy. And it's not getting better, despite the reassurances that I've given to my parents that I am just fine and doing better. It's a lie. I can't sleep and I can't get my brain to stop buzzing, and I pretend to be happy and funny while I'm at work, but I'm not well. I'm not fine. And I'm kidding everyone and myself by pretending. Bil's going to California next weekend for his grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. I'm running a show, so I'll still be here. I wish I could go with him. I'd like to see some sunlight and maybe the Pacific Ocean. I miss those things. Being nocturnal is so not good for my mental health. I should try to get to sleep -- I do have rehearsal tomorrow and I need to not fall asleep during it. At least I only have the rehearsal and not that plus a Seascape performance at night. I am perpetually tired and sleepless. It's a pain in the ass. I promise my next post will return to what I hope is at best witty candor and worst low-brow fart jokes. At least I'm not crazy enough to start singing every snippet of Annie that I can recall... yet.


that is all, y'all