The lie that started it all is almost not related but that it put me in the right place coincidentally. It all started Friday at around 1:30pm. I get a call that half of the cast is sick and we have doubled up on understudies, so we are canceling the show for the evening. I decide that it would be fun to surprise Bil and go see his show because it's my only opportunity, and it'll be fun.
Lie #1
Bil calls, we talk, I tell him I'm on the way out the door to go shopping -- Old Navy had some cute cargo pants I want. I tell him I have to hurry so that I can get down the the theatre on time.
Truth
I was still in my pjs at 2 in the afternoon. The show had already been cancelled.
So I slowly get dressed, finish some replacement prop letters for his show, and then dawdle about some more. Then I leave to go shopping. At 5:30.
Lie #2
Bil calls again, wants to know if I've already dropped the props by his theatre and if I had any cargo-pant success at Old Navy. I tell him I'm already on my way to my show, that there were no cargo pants in my size (sad) and that the new props are already there.
Truth
I was on my way up to Old Navy at this point. I had only just left the house.
For the record, Old Navy really didn't have the pants I wanted in my size. So that turned out to be true...
After Old Navy, I went to see his show, and while I was waiting for him to come out from the backstage area, I start talking to a guy I'll call "Dave" (his real name), whom I had previously met at a bar. We chat, and he says, "Hey, do you drink alcohol?" I tell him I do if he's buying. He says he works for a marketing firm and they are doing market research about drinking habits. I get $75 in cash for talking about booze. I tell him I'm there!
Then he says to me, "Now, they don't like using people in this field, because they think we're different or weird or 'abnormal.' So, we'll have to figure out another profession for you."
He tells me to think about it and to call him tomorrow.
I surprise Bil and everything is hunky-dory.
Fast-forward to the next day.
Saturday.
I call "Dave" and we decide that I will be a legal secretary. I will have to dress the part. Then he asks me a bunch of questions: drinking habits, social habits, and age. I don't lie much but...
Lie #3
I tell him that I'm 25. I don't quite know why I did this. I don't like when people hear that I'm married and young -- they always seem to judge me. I guess that would be the reason... Not really sure, though.
Truth
I am 24 years old and will be until further notice (or the 23rd of September, whichever comes first).
He asks for my e-mail address so that he can send me confirmation of my appointment in the focus group.
Fast-forward to this morning.
I get up and check my e-mail. There it is: the e-mail from "Dave."
"Thank you for agreeing to join us for this market research focus group.
Date & – Monday April 10, 2006
Time 3:45 pm to 5:30 pm
Incentive - $75.00 cash
Please remember to bring a photo I.D. Your participation is very important to us. If you must cancel please contact our office as soon as possible so we may have opportunity to replace you, 312-xxx-xxxx. Please do not send anyone in your place.
This study is for research purposes ONLY and is not a solicitation for business or an attempt to sell you anything. Your opinions will be kept strictly confidential and no personal information, nor proprietary information on your company will be collected."
I call the offices to confirm that I am indeed going to be there. They ask me if I have any friends that I might know who would also be interested in participating, as they have had a few people unable to make it. I ask if there are any requirements, and they tell me that they must be ages 25-39. I tell them I'll pass on the information.
So, now my little white lie about my age is coming back to bite me in the ass. Shit. I panic about it for a bit and then call them back.
Lie #4
I talk to someone in the office and tell him that I've misplaced my driver's license and say that I've got a student ID. Will that work?
Truth
I am looking at my driver's license as I call him.
Lie #5
He tells me that I can use a student ID as long as it has a date of birth on it. I say, "Well, let me look at mine. Oh, yes. It does!"
Truth
I know for a fact that it does not have a date of birth on it.
I panic when I get off of the phone. Why didn't I just tell him that I did not have a DOB on my student ID? Shit, shit, shit!
I make a snap decision. I will photoshop a DOB onto my student ID. But I need light magenta ink or my printer won't scan or print. I run out to Staples to get some. I figure that maybe I can fabricate a student ID that might be a bit like a blockbuster card with a clear plasic sheet, and some good prints.
I get it all printed up and it looks pretty good. I photoshopped the magnetic strip off of the back and replace it with a bar code and the serial number from the front. I take some clear acrylic gloss varnish and glue front to back and slip it carefully into the plastic sheeting. I take an embossing gun and try to gently heat the plastic to get it to stick together. And the plastic starts shrinking and curling up. Abort!
I take one last stab at getting the thing to work. I take some more clear acrylic varnish and adhere the plastic right to the "ID". It bubbles a bit, so I smooth it out and it looks pretty good. Until it starts curling up. I panic. . . which brings me to
Lie #6
I call "Dave's" company back. I tell them that I must have eaten something funny because I think that I might have food poisoning. I don't think that I can make it to the appointment. And I'm really sorry.
Truth
I have not actually eaten anything at all today. Therefore, no food poisoning, just hunger. On the other hand, I actually am really sorry. Goodbye, $75.
I wish that I could say that I was lying to you all, two readers, but alas, this is the truth.
That is all.
1 comment:
That was an awesome story.
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