So, ever the Libra, I decided that I needed to balance it out with some positive things that have happened this summer. (I should add that by this point, I had poured a small amount of vodka into my Coke--it was that sort of night.) My highlights list had seven items. Seven. And some of those are shapeless concepts and not events.
My summer highlights:
- Drunken debauchery.
- Saw two of my uncles and my cousin and her husband.
- Did some theatre.
- Considered finding another career path.
- Was called "sexy" by very drunken, much older, somewhat married, possibly insane Communist.
- Read some books.
- Dreamed of something better.
That is it. The rest of the page is filled with the sort of drunken and depressed bile that comes from realizing how out of balance one's life really is.
For years I have been in perpetual motion, running away as much as possible from the issues that I have accrued over my nearly quarter century on this earth. And when I can't run away, I turn them into humor. It's a great defense mechanism. But when all of that is stripped away, and I'm alone in my back porch-y area, drinking and depressed, I'm still the same fucked up person that I always was. Because in moving so much, I have managed not to streamline my baggage, but to accrue more with each passing year, each new trip. At some point, I won't be able to carry it all around anymore. What will happen to me then? Will I gracefully let the oldest shit just fall away, my parents' divorce leave my consciousness for once and all? Or perhaps that's when I can finally let go of all those other things: the darker issues, the ones that I almost never talk about, the things that I've seen in my life that no one should ever have to see.
I was once a sensative kid. Now I'm a callous, bitter and jaded adult. I like control, being in control, of everything around me; it's why I enjoy stage managing. I keep a tight reign on my emotions (at least the dark undercurrent of emotions that I like to pretend do not exist: the depression, the anger, the angst, the hopelessness, the uncertainty.) I will not be fooled again. There is safety in control. And if I don't experience a full range of emotions in this lifetime, it's still better than admitting to the world how low I can go.
I like riding on the el because I enjoy watching all of the people. I wonder about them. Who they are; where they are going, and coming from; what makes them tick. I want to know all about them. But I don't want to actually connect. Because that scares the shit out of me too. I can only keep control over my life if I keep my circle very small. I lived in Boston for 10 months, and only in the last month that I lived there did I actually have any real friendships: people with whom to hang out, people with whom to have a drink, people who had silly nicknames for me. It took me 9 months to connect to anyone. Had Bil not been there with me, my roommates would not have even known about my birthday. There is safety in keeping everything internal, to a point. But sometimes it all blows up in my face.
I don't know anymore where exactly I'm going with all of this, but I know where I'm coming from, and it isn't pretty. I haven't yet reached my own personal catharsis, but I am hopeful. What is life without hope?
And on that note, dear readers (and random asshole from Arkansas who is reading this at 3:30am on a Tuesday, and still doesn't bother to comment), I will leave you with a song lyric that once meant something to me, maybe it still applies; you be the judge:
"Disarm you with a smile, and cut you like you want me to, / Cut that little child inside of me and such a part of you, / Oh, the years burn..."
-- from "Disarm", written by Billy Corgan and performed by the Smashing Pumpkins on their best album.
That is all.
2 comments:
And what I choose is my choice./
What's a boy supposed to do?
Devon,
I admire you so much. I really do.
I shall go visit you and Bil sometime soon. Don't exactly know when that'll be...but hopefully soon. :)
-helen
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