Just got some interesting news-- reconnected with an ex recently... my high school sweetheart... and he's gay.
And at first, this was sort of hilarious to me.... this is not the first time I've been a beard....
And yet.
I know how hard that must have been for him to live with such a deep secret. I'd say I can't imagine, but I have my own secrets and I know how they weigh on me.
And yet.
He was my first real love, my first sex, my first real emotional investment, and ultimately my first real heartbreak.
And it was a lie. Disingenuous...?
Now, please bear in mind that we started dating nearly a decade ago... so why am I feeling so hurt by this? What is my problem?
I loved him so much, so deeply.... and he told me he loved me too.... and now my perception of events is so radically different.
Probably I'll feel better in the morning. I should be sleeping right now, but I can't and this is bouncing around in my empty head.
Of course, I have worked over 40 hours in the last 72. And I might be hormonal.
I really hope Bil's not gay. That'd be really gay.
that is all
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A Childish Charlatan's Charades About Chicago. (Formerly: A myopic misanthrope's misadventures in Massachusetts.)
1 comment:
It wasn't a lie, Devon. You think he didn't love you? You think gay men are incapable of loving women? Take me: I'm as close to a 7 on the Kinsey scale as a dude can get, yet I can think of at least three women I've had incredibly strong romantic feelings for. You know as well as anyone that we are not so simple as to be lumped into two discrete categories.
Love is love and need is need. The more you focus on that, the more you see the sexual boundaries break down. Besides, no man, gay or otherwise, can resist a misanthropic theater hag with junk in the trunk. Why fight it?
And I think we both know Bil is pretty solidly in place where he is. I'd start to worry only if you start finding decoupage projects and back issues of Mirabella stashed in a dark corner of one of your 42 closets.
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