Be(e) in My Bonnet

So, I haven't written about this before. I really don't know why. It's not like I'm worried that someone about whom this post pertains might read it -- I'm pretty sure they are entirely uninterested in my weather reports (also, the first--and last--time any of them even mentioned anything to me about reading my blog was right around the time I posted one of those dark, bitter, angry I-hate-that-I-was-a-victim-all-those-years-ago-and-I'm-still-not-over-
it-yet-and-now-I'll-never-be-whole-again posts which occasionally rear their ugly little heads.)
Anyway. Ahem.
I used to do a fair amount of work with a company here in town. I liked them, got to be friends with them, enjoyed a drink from time to time. And then suddenly, over a period of time, they stopped asking me to do work for them. I went from a position of really wanting to be a member of this company to not being affiliated with them. At all. In literally, the span of a show. I worked with them all last season, did some work the season prior, worked on the first show this season, and then...nothing. And the thing is, I cannot help but feel like they hate me, which I know is stupid.

I just don't know what happened. I feel like I'm pretty responsive to criticism -- years of working with the likes of Marc Longlois and Ms. Manchester have taught me to grow very thick skin. I am not as sensitive as I once was. And yet. And yet...here I am, feeling really hurt by something essentially trivial in the larger picture. And I know that this emotion has been magnified a thousand times by a hundred other little things in my life as it stands right now, but that doesn't make it hurt less. My rational mind cannot calm my emotional heart.

Part of it, too, is that I wanted so badly to be a part of the club, to have my presence validated in some small way, to be an actual member of the company. In the time that I worked with them, I saw actors go from their first production with the company to having that special little asterisk by their name. I saw a resident tech get one. But I never felt like a real member of the group. I always felt just slightly outside. Which is another reason why I am so bothered by this whole thing: I never truly felt like I belonged in that boys' club, and yet I am so saddened by our break-up (for lack of a better word...it is almost 3AM).

It's like getting dumped, but professionally, and without even the poor indignity of a Dear John/Jane/etc. letter. If only I had that, I feel like I could take something away from this, hold my head up high, knowing why we split, if not feeling great about it. I just would like some understanding. And perspective.

I just hate feeling this way. It's just one more emotional bee buzzing about in my head, nagging me at odd times, and it's driving me fucking crazy. Also, now, I feel weird going to my favorite bar because of the fact that they all kinda hang out there, too. And I don't want to be an asshole. (And I've only left the house out of sheer necessity as of late...socializing is still melting my brain a bit lately...best to sit at home, rocking on the couch, knitting obsessively, with one eye glaring at the TV, on which is playing a DVD containing many episodes of a certain reality series about people rapidly traveling around the world in order to win $1,000,000. Yeah, that's totally normal and healthy. Ahem.)

The more you know.

Ergh. Off to bed.

That is all.