Be(e) in My Bonnet

So, I haven't written about this before. I really don't know why. It's not like I'm worried that someone about whom this post pertains might read it -- I'm pretty sure they are entirely uninterested in my weather reports (also, the first--and last--time any of them even mentioned anything to me about reading my blog was right around the time I posted one of those dark, bitter, angry I-hate-that-I-was-a-victim-all-those-years-ago-and-I'm-still-not-over-
it-yet-and-now-I'll-never-be-whole-again posts which occasionally rear their ugly little heads.)
Anyway. Ahem.
I used to do a fair amount of work with a company here in town. I liked them, got to be friends with them, enjoyed a drink from time to time. And then suddenly, over a period of time, they stopped asking me to do work for them. I went from a position of really wanting to be a member of this company to not being affiliated with them. At all. In literally, the span of a show. I worked with them all last season, did some work the season prior, worked on the first show this season, and then...nothing. And the thing is, I cannot help but feel like they hate me, which I know is stupid.

I just don't know what happened. I feel like I'm pretty responsive to criticism -- years of working with the likes of Marc Longlois and Ms. Manchester have taught me to grow very thick skin. I am not as sensitive as I once was. And yet. And yet...here I am, feeling really hurt by something essentially trivial in the larger picture. And I know that this emotion has been magnified a thousand times by a hundred other little things in my life as it stands right now, but that doesn't make it hurt less. My rational mind cannot calm my emotional heart.

Part of it, too, is that I wanted so badly to be a part of the club, to have my presence validated in some small way, to be an actual member of the company. In the time that I worked with them, I saw actors go from their first production with the company to having that special little asterisk by their name. I saw a resident tech get one. But I never felt like a real member of the group. I always felt just slightly outside. Which is another reason why I am so bothered by this whole thing: I never truly felt like I belonged in that boys' club, and yet I am so saddened by our break-up (for lack of a better word...it is almost 3AM).

It's like getting dumped, but professionally, and without even the poor indignity of a Dear John/Jane/etc. letter. If only I had that, I feel like I could take something away from this, hold my head up high, knowing why we split, if not feeling great about it. I just would like some understanding. And perspective.

I just hate feeling this way. It's just one more emotional bee buzzing about in my head, nagging me at odd times, and it's driving me fucking crazy. Also, now, I feel weird going to my favorite bar because of the fact that they all kinda hang out there, too. And I don't want to be an asshole. (And I've only left the house out of sheer necessity as of late...socializing is still melting my brain a bit lately...best to sit at home, rocking on the couch, knitting obsessively, with one eye glaring at the TV, on which is playing a DVD containing many episodes of a certain reality series about people rapidly traveling around the world in order to win $1,000,000. Yeah, that's totally normal and healthy. Ahem.)

The more you know.

Ergh. Off to bed.

That is all.

Um... this is fucking crazy. (Yes, this is about the weather.)

So, when I posted before, I included this image from Accuweather.com from this evening, at 12:47AM:



And now, at 1:11AM, a mere 24 minutes later, this is what is up:



Yes, you are reading that correctly: "RealFeel® -37˚F" NEGATIVE.

Oh, and the national weather service has this to add:

"A WIND CHILL WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL NOON CST TODAY.

VERY STRONG WINDS AND BITTERLY COLD TEMPERATURES WILL RESULT IN
WIND CHILLS OF 25 TO 35 DEGREES BELOW ZERO THROUGH WEDNESDAY
MORNING.

A WIND CHILL WARNING MEANS THE COMBINATION OF VERY COLD AIR AND
STRONG WINDS WILL CREATE DANGEROUSLY LOW WIND CHILL VALUES. THIS
WILL RESULT IN FROST BITE AND LEAD TO HYPOTHERMIA OR DEATH IF
PRECAUTIONS ARE NOT TAKEN."

Note that last sentence.

Chicago is trying to kill me.

Oh, and the wind has been blowing so hard that it's been snowing inside my enclosed-windows-securely-shut back porch.

Thank God for Accuweather's infographics:



That is all.

For real?! AKA "Splat! My Brain is Exploding!"

So, today, when I left for work, it was 50˚F outside. Nice, warm, comfortable, balmy.

And now, a mere 11 hours later?



A friend at work cut out the weather report from the Trib, which read "Today's High:48˚ Today's Low:-1˚"

Driving home in the near-blizzard was an adventure. My new anti-lock breaks on my new car work like a charm. I know, because I unintentionally tested them. (Pics of the new car to come soon... because it's cute and red.)

Seriously, what the fuck?


On a totally unrelated note:

Also, I am a flake. If you have called me recently, and I have not responded, please don't take it personally. I have been in a crazy state of trying to ride public transit all over hell and back/hitting up Trevor for rides/strike/tech/buying a car (in the snow) and have been a shitty friend as of late. The last couple of months have been an incredible roller-coaster ride on which I have not been a very willing participant. I'm still trying to stop my head spinning. This is not an excuse, just an explanation. So, please don't hate me when I do get a chance to call you back.
[This was not prompted by any one incident, but more just self-reflection. I'm just trying to reach out little by little to the real world. Baby steps.]

Ok. That was all very random above. I've clearly had brain fryage from too many headscarves in the show. I think at last count, there were literally 25 thousand. (Exaggeration.) And jackets. There's a bajillion of those.

Brain overload.

That is all.

Tagged.

Jen, my illustrious sister-in-law, tagged me a while back, and I'm slow, but here's the deal:

Tag! I’m it!

Here's how you play: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself, at the end choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names and why you tagged them. Don't forget to leave them a comment saying '(You're It!) and to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you so since you can't tag me back. Let me know when you are done so that I can go read YOUR blog answers.

10 weird/ random/ facts/ habits/ goals about me:

1. I am weather obsessed. In particular, I am obsessed with very cold weather. For further evidence, please see my blog.

2. I can never remember the url to my own blog. I have to check it every time I link to it.

3. I am weirdly obsessed with geeky men in thick rimmed glasses. They are my kryptonite.

4. I really love linking to random things on my blog. Yeah, that's right.

5. I desperately miss skiing. I haven't been since December 2004. And I look up ski resorts and drool sometimes.

6. I also really want to travel to Thailand and go rock climbing and snorkeling. I often look up plane tickets and dream of buying two and running off with Bil in tow.

7. I also secretly want to be a contestant on the Amazing Race. Dude, I really want to travel. Like, really.

8. After one record-setting winter in Boston, and 2.25 blustery winters in Chicago, I still really love watching the snow fall from the sky. I get all giddy and excited and forget to link to something random when watching it fall while blogging.

9. I am knitting-obsessed. I cannot watch television without having needles and yarn in hand. Right now, I'm slowly working on a variation of these socks. And I only taught myself in October.

10. I am still completely atwitter over Alaska. I will get there one day. I will hike around, and kayak, and explore. One day... sigh.



My 10 Tagged next:

I know I'm supposed to tag people and they're supposed to respond, and all of that, but I'm going to switch this one up a bit: If you are still reading this, and you haven't done this little survey-whatsit yet, and you have 10-15 minutes to spare, and you are interested in sharing some weird shit about yourself, do it, and leave me a comment. I promise to read all the way to the end. I'd love to read them actually, so there you go. Go forth. Write weird self-obsessed drivel for the masses (or just me--whatev-). Entertain me, readers.

That is all.

WTF?!

Less than a week ago, we had wind chills that made Chicago feel like -20˚ --that's BELOW ZERO. And fyi, it's very cold.
And today? 63˚ and thunderstorms....severe thunderstorms. And tornado watch. WTF, Chicago?
I have about 5 minutes until it's predicted that we get the worst part of the storm... time to go obsessively watch the weather channel and knit.
Oh, and my hometown's high temp today? 57˚. Suck it, CA.
Thank gawd for Barrow keepin' it real:



That is all.

#200: New Year's Eve 2007

It's almost 2008 and I am writing my 200th post on this blog. Which seems like an awful lot of drivel to me. I started writing this three years ago when I was living in Boston, and here I am now, married and living in Chicago. A strange few years.
Bil and I didn't go home this year for the holidays--it's an expensive and lengthy process and he couldn't get the time off of work this year. We had a nice Christmas, but the whole time, I kept wondering what happened to my Christmas spirit. Normally, I really love Christmas -- I like decorating and wrapping presents that I know people will enjoy, and I like putting together stockings for Bil and the cats (don't judge). I have been in quite a funk lately.... It's been a tough couple of months in many ways. Bil's great for putting up with my misanthropic desire to never leave the house. It's not that I don't love my friends; I do--they keep me sane--but I don't want to see anyone or do anything but sit around and knit and watch TV (don't judge!). And not working this past month hasn't helped the lack of communication with the outside world thing.
My whole family is up in the mountains this week, skiing and snowboarding. I really wish I could have gone up there with them. I really miss skiing. And my family. It's been a hard year.
And like every time the family goes up to the mountains to ski, there is a calamity. Last time, there was a huge blizzard that kept us all off the mountain and in our cabin for the entire week we were there. The time before, everyone was injured (except my mom and me because we're perfect).
I got a call from my mom last night. My youngest brother (only 14) broke his arm snowboarding. My brothers are prone to broken bones -- arms in particular. But this one was the worst I've seen in my family. "Seen?" you say. Yes... because my sister posted his x-rays on Facebook™ where they belong. This was his arm before the 2.5 hour surgery to insert pins into it (note the fracture):



He spend the night in the hospital. Poor kid. And now he's on Vicodin. Great.

So here's to a better year than last year. Please no death, no destruction, no crazy shit this year, please. Just onward and upward. and maybe grad school. Maybe.

That is all.

On Knitting and the Weather... oh, and Death.

I have taken up knitting. It's very calming and I love it. I love yarn, as those of you who might remember Mad Crochet D. might recall. I haven't crocheted in a while (read: a couple of months), but I have taught myself to knit via the interweb and I am in love. So much so that I knitted scarves and mittens for my entire family for Christmas this year. Because who in CA doesn't need a handknit superfine merino wool scarf in a pleasing rib pattern? In my defense, my whole family (except the two of us Chicago kids) is going skiing two days after Christmas... and skiing requires snow, and is therefore a cold sport, and ergo requires really obsessively warm handknit treasures. Right?

Mostly, this new knitting thing has been somewhat therapeutic for me. I have been pretty down as of late. My Nana's death hit me really hard, coupled with the death of a friend from high school literally the next day, the death of our pet betta fish, Bruce Lee, and the untimely demise of my car, Jane. Oh, and a lack of employment for a while. Note to parents out there who totally read this blog: if you find out via the internet that someone you think your kid might have known passed away suddenly and unexpectedly (as is often the case with people who are 26 years old), do your kid a favor and don't e-mail the obit to them; call them, please. E-mail is a shitty way to discover such a thing. Moving on.

Yesterday, there was a pleasant spring-like feel to the air (on the first day of winter... only in Chicago...). It was 50 degrees outside and totally t-shirt weather (which CA me still finds terribly funny). Gray and drizzly, yes, but warm, too. All of the mountains of snow that have adorned my fair street melted in the rain and warmth, which means that Christmas may not be white, but instead will be ugly, gray and brown. Ugh. Still waiting on that White Fucking Christmas..... grrr.

But today, today is brutally cold and windy. Don't believe me?

Then look at this:


That's the weather here, today. A mere 12-24 hours after 50 degree highs right here. Blast.

Enter depression.... but wait! What do I do every winter when I am freezing my warm-blooded California ass off in the northern regions of the country where they have Seasons (there are four, did you know? And none of them have the word "fire" in them!)? That's right, dear readers, I look up the weather in Barrow, Alaska, the United States' northernmost outpost of civilization, population: 4,065 cold, cold souls.


So, thank you, Barrow, for making me feel glad I'm here and not there. Here's to you! P.S. Now, I'll knit you a lovely warm scarf if you please don't die on me. Please?

That is all.

Hey, D. where do you live?

Oh, that's right.

On the edge of the VAST SEA OF COLD.



That is all.

for now.